When Glorfindels Attack
by meressefers
Summary: Glorfindel finally snaps -- he's not going to take Arwen's role-snatching antics anymore. ::Warning: not for Arwen fans:::


DISCLAIMER: Nope, not mine. Ainsi sera, groigne que groigne.  
  
A/N: This fic has some major Arwen and Aragorn bashing. Don't like it, don't read it, don't flame it, 'kay? It also assumes that the Glorfindel of the Silmarillion is one and the same with the Glorfindel from LotR. Also, there are some nice allusions to Not Another Teen Movie, Ghost World, and Army of Darkness. Very LotR-esque, nay?  
  
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When Glorfindels Attack  
  
By Meressefers  
  
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Glorfindel, former captain of Gondolin, sat pondering in the gardens of Elrond's mansion. The weather was fine. The sun was shining brilliantly through the surrounding trees, and the wind was blowing gently. Flowers spread their colorful blooms all around the golden-haired elf; their sweet, subtle fragrances rose through the air. All in all, it was a usual day in Rivendell...but not for long.  
  
Glorfindel was thinking strange thoughts that day, strange intangible thoughts that he couldn't quite put into words. He was depressed, certainly, but he did not know how or why, and it was driving him crazy.  
  
His questions, however, were soon answered. An elf lady walked by with her sister, complaining loudly about the irritating strands of dark hair that she kept finding when she bathed. "For one called Even Star, she sure sheds a lot," she griped. "It's a good thing she doesn't cook."  
  
Surprisingly, Glorfindel was not annoyed by this interruption to his thoughts. On the contrary, it seems he found some revelations in the lady's complaints. "Even Star," he muttered contemptuously before stalking off.  
  
***  
  
"Good morning, Glorfindel," said Elrond the Half-elven, who looked up from the scroll he was reading at the sound of his friend's approach. Glorfindel wore a grim, peeved face. "Is something the matter?"  
  
"What do you think?" snapped Glorfindel. "I am virtually ignored around here!"  
  
"How so?" Elrond raised an eyebrow. He really didn't want to deal with an imagined slight on the part of the elf, even if this elf was one of his most trusted supporters. "You get due attention."  
  
"Hardly. All the glory goes to *her*."  
  
"And who is 'her'?"  
  
"You know...your daughter."  
  
"I fail to see the problem," Elrond said stiffly, "other than that you are jealous of Arwen."  
  
"Yeah, like I'd be jealous of that stupid whore!" scoffed Glorfindel. "I - "  
  
"GET OUT!" roared Elrond, none too pleased that his daughter had been called a whore. "Come back when you have some manners, and the good sense to use them, too!"  
  
With that, he pushed Glorfindel out of the room and angrily went back to his reading.  
  
***  
  
This did obviously not sate Glorfindel at all, but he could see no other alternative than to go back to the gardens and sulk. Luck was shining down on him, though, as who should he find there but Arwen Undómiel, sitting and gazing into the pond. Even better, there was an axe nearby.  
  
Glorfindel took the axe (he didn't really care that it was quite out of place, being in the garden and all) and sneaked up behind Arwen with an evil grin on his face. However, Elrond's daughter turned around before any elf-icides could take place.  
  
"Hello," she said, smiling at Glorfindel. She looked quizzically at the axe he was carrying but said nothing and went back to her gazing.  
  
Glorfindel's jaw dropped. Did she not see that he was seething with rage and brandishing a deadly weapon? "Stupid bint!" he snarled. "Don't look away when I'm talking to you!"  
  
Arwen glared at him. "Excuse me? I am NOT a stupid bint, and you weren't even talking. Leave me alone!" She muttered something under her breath.  
  
"Was that a challenge? Huh?!?" Glorfindel's eyes blazed. "C'mon, she-bitch, let's go!"  
  
"What's your problem?" said Arwen, looking rather pissed off by now. "What did I ever do to you?" She stood up and clenched her fists.  
  
"YOU STOLE MY ROLE, ASSLICKER!!!" Glorfindel screeched. "I was supposed to rescue Frodo, but NO, everyone's favorite pretty pretty princess gets the part! Fuck you, bitch, fuck you!"  
  
"You have to buy me dinner first!" Arwen snapped in response. "And tough luck, you didn't get the part! Cry me a river!"  
  
"Shut up! I deserved that duty! I should have brought Frodo here!"  
  
"No one cares, you low-ranked freak!"  
  
"Low-ranked? Yeah, who here took down a Balrog? Plus I'm all elf, baby, unlike some people here!"  
  
"Get over yourself! You may be all elf, but you'll never measure up to a great Man like Aragorn!"  
  
"Oh yeah, Aragorn!" Glorfindel rolled his eyes. "It's great to know you're in love with someone who's your cousin a bazillion generations younger than you. He can practically call you 'Grandma'!"  
  
"BRING IT ON!" bellowed Arwen.  
  
"It's already been brought!" Glorfindel bellowed back, snapping his fingers. The two were about to attack each other when who should appear but Isildur's heir, otherwise known as Arwen's much younger kinsman/lover boy. He stepped between the two combatants.  
  
"Violence is not the answer," Aragorn told the two. "Whatever the problem is, I'm sure we can solve it peacefully."  
  
"Don't be such a hypocrite!" Glorfindel swung the axe and lopped off Aragorn's head.  
  
"Look what you've done, stupid!" Arwen shrieked, tears running down her face. She punched Glorfindel in the face. "I'll teach you to kill my boyfriend!"  
  
"Yeah, well, I'll teach you to usurp other people's roles!" Arwen continued to punch him, and he was about to swing his axe again when Elrond appeared.  
  
"Break it up, the two of you!" the Elven lord commanded, raising his eyebrows at the strange scene in front of him.  
  
"Shut up, Dad, and stop moving those damn eyebrows of yours! I'll pluck them out myself if I have to!" said Arwen. An argument broke out between father and daughter over the manginess of the former's eyebrows (Elrond insisted that his weren't nearly as bad as Gandalf's), and Glorfindel quickly took advantage of the situation.  
  
FWOP! Arwen's head fell to the ground next to Aragorn's. Glorfindel smirked, sluiced the blood from the edge of the axe and drank it. He turned deranged eyes to Elrond. "Well?"  
  
A muscle in Elrond's jaw twitched. "That's it," he said. "You belong in the loony bin." Two elves in white lab coats came and took Glorfindel away.  
  
"You can't do this to me!" Glorfindel pleaded. "I was chief of the House of the Golden Flower!"  
  
"That's what they all say," said one of his captors calmly. They dragged the crazed elf to the mental hospital in Lothlórien, where he spent the rest of his days.  
  
~FINIS~ 


End file.
